that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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