Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
