Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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