we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
