You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
