I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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