You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
