I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
