i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
