Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
