"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
