Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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