Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
