i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
