when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
As shirtless as possible
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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