Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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