I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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