am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
