watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
