Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Is it penis luge time yet?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
