she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
