with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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