dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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