I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
