it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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