i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
