my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
