i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
