Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face

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(417): View more from Missouri

My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

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(626): View more from California

All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.

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(226): View more from Ontario

wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.

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(630): View more from Illinois

like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.

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(248): View more from Michigan

To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.

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