True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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