Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
