i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
