My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Randomize
