frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
