my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
