You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
