he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize