i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
