Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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