so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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