Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
