he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
