how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
birth control should be required to get into college
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
