I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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