I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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