You don't have asthma, your pregnant
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
