I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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