I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
