i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
