I wish I could teleport
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
