I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I love you.
Bad choice
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
