You just made me feel so damn special
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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