I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
