capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize