dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize