I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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