never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
